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For many of my twenties, I believed being “low-maintenance” was a praise. It meant I used to be likable, agreeable, and easy-going. In relationship, particularly, I believed my job was to be chosen—to make myself engaging to another person. That was lengthy earlier than I even requested the extra vital query: Did I truly like them?
As I’ve stepped into extra intentional dating, that mindset has unraveled. It hasn’t been straightforward—studying what I worth in others (and what instantly offers me the ick) has been each difficult and revelatory. However redefining and proudly owning my so-called “high-maintenance” qualities has taught me one thing vital: being high-maintenance isn’t about being arbitrarily troublesome. It’s about setting requirements, and refusing to let something into my life that dips beneath them.
Featured picture from our interview with Iskra Lawrence by Michelle Nash.
Why I’m Embracing Excessive-Upkeep (And You Ought to Too)
I’m embracing high-maintenance as a way of life with better readability and care. To me, it means prioritizing what feels good, refining what I want, and honoring my boundaries with out apology. As a result of once I cease performing for different individuals and begin claiming what I truly need, life feels much less like compromise and extra like alignment.
So right here’s my case for wanting extra. No more noise, extra stuff, or extra distraction—however extra intention, extra magnificence, extra of what brings me pleasure. And sure, I’ll fortunately name that high-maintenance.
Being high-maintenance isn’t about being arbitrarily troublesome. It’s about setting requirements, and refusing to let something into my life that dips beneath them.
Redefining Excessive-Upkeep
Someplace alongside the way in which, “high-maintenance” grew to become shorthand for an excessive amount of. Too emotional, too opinionated, too explicit. It’s a label that’s typically used to shrink ladies, particularly those that know what they need and aren’t afraid to say it. For years, I resisted it. I believed that being easy-going made me extra lovable, that retaining my preferences quiet was the well mannered—and proper—factor to do.
However I’ve discovered that being “low-maintenance” on the expense of your self isn’t easy. Really? It’s exhausting. You spend your vitality making an attempt to anticipate what’s going to make others snug as an alternative of asking what’s going to make you fulfilled. That type of self-erasure would possibly look calm on the floor, however beneath, it’s a quiet betrayal of your wants.
So I’ve began to reclaim the time period. To me, embracing high-maintenance means dwelling intentionally. It’s about selecting what provides worth, refusing what doesn’t, and exhibiting up on your life with discernment. Whether or not it’s in relationships, routines, or the way in which you enhance your private home, it’s a apply of self-respect. It says: I care sufficient about myself—and the individuals in my life—to be clear about what I want.
Boundaries as an Act of Care
For therefore lengthy, I mistook flexibility for kindness. I believed saying sure—to plans I didn’t have the vitality for, to individuals who didn’t meet me midway—made me beneficiant. However actually, it simply made me depleted. Whenever you’re used to being low-maintenance, boundaries can really feel like a menace to your likability. The reality is, they’re the muse of significant connection.
On this new period of relationship, I’ve come to appreciate how a lot of my chill lady persona was constructed on quiet self-abandonment. I didn’t need to appear demanding, so I accepted lower than I wanted. However boundaries aren’t obstacles—they’re invites. They create area for relationships which are rooted in honesty and mutual respect, as an alternative of quiet resentment.
And bounds don’t simply belong in relationships. They’re important in how we spend our time, how we work, and even how we relaxation. Embracing high-maintenance means noticing the place you’ve been operating on empty and deciding you gained’t dwell there anymore. It’s much less about saying no to others and extra about saying sure to your self.
Curating Your Excessive-Upkeep Mindset
If redefining high-maintenance begins internally—with self-awareness and limits—then curating it’s how we carry that consciousness into our day by day lives. It’s not about complication or extra. It’s about studying what makes you’re feeling grounded, cared for, and alive—and selecting to create space for it.
For me, it’s the rituals that flip strange moments into one thing sacred. It’s splurging on the moisturizer I exploit each night time as a result of it makes me pause and breathe. It’s setting the table, even once I’m eating solo. It’s selecting quiet over fixed stimulation, solitude over pressured connection.
This mindset extends past self-care as effectively. It’s in how we costume, enhance, and design our days. Possibly it’s modifying your closet to incorporate solely the items you really love, lighting a candle earlier than your morning journaling session, or strolling to your favourite espresso store as an alternative of speeding by means of a drive-thru. These small, deliberate acts remind us that care and wonder can coexist with practicality.
Do this: Take stock of 1 space of your life—your routine, your area, or your relationships—and ask: Does this really feel like me? If the reply is not any, what would make it really feel extra aligned? Typically, it’s not about including one thing new, however eradicating what not serves you.
Permission to Need Extra
For therefore lengthy, I believed that wanting extra made me ungrateful. I believed contentment meant staying quiet with what I had, that ambition and appreciation couldn’t coexist. The reality is, we will maintain each: we will love our lives deeply whereas nonetheless envisioning what’s subsequent.
Embracing high-maintenance has helped me see that need isn’t one thing to downplay. It’s a compass. The issues we would like—connection, creativity, magnificence—aren’t indicators of greed or self-importance. They’re indicators of the place we’re being known as to develop.
Once we cease apologizing for wanting extra, we begin dwelling from a spot of enlargement fairly than worry.
There’s energy in naming what you need, even when it feels daring or a bit uncomfortable. Whenever you honor your needs, you’re not chasing perfection—you’re saying, I’m definitely worth the effort it takes to dwell a life that feels true to me.
Do this: Take into consideration one space of your life the place you’ve been settling—your work, your relationships, your routines. What would “extra” appear to be there? What’s one small motion you would take this week to maneuver nearer to it?
Residing With Intention
The older I get, the extra I understand that ease doesn’t come from doing much less—it comes from doing what’s aligned. Residing with intention means making peace with the trouble required to construct a life that feels good. It’s not about comfort or management, however care.
Being high-maintenance, in the way in which I’ve come to outline it, is actually about self-respect. It’s the selection to concentrate to how we spend our time, what we carry into our properties, who we enable shut, and the way we present up for ourselves. It’s understanding that when one thing requires your vitality, it must also return it.
That’s the quiet fantastic thing about this period I’m moving into: every thing in my life, from the individuals I like to the merchandise I exploit, is right here as a result of I’ve chosen it. Not as a result of it’s straightforward, or anticipated, or universally preferred, however as a result of it displays what issues to me.
Do this: Go searching your life and spot what feels easy and what feels draining. What wouldn’t it appear to be to edit your days with the identical care you carry to your favourite rituals?
A New Period
For therefore lengthy, I equated high-maintenance with being an excessive amount of. Too explicit, too opinionated, too conscious of what I needed. However understanding what you need is a energy. It means you’ve carried out the work to hearken to your self.
That is the period I’m claiming: one outlined by discernment, by depth, and by the idea that my wants will not be burdens—they’re invites. To decide on what feels aligned, to let go of what doesn’t, and to maintain shaping a life that seems like my very own.
As a result of possibly high-maintenance was by no means the issue. Possibly the actual upkeep was the act of self-abandonment—of diluting who we’re to make others snug. The reality: I’m not enthusiastic about that type of ease.
